If It's Not Broken
by Wakkowarnerlover
Summary: Perry's birthday is coming up, but suddenly both of his lives get turned around when Monogram decides to retire from the agency and Phineas's biological father comes crawling out of the woodwork. Perry is determined to do everything he can to keep Monogram from retiring... but has no idea what to do to help Phineas.
1. Chapter 1

**(Answer to a FAQ for most of my stories: Perry and the boys are able to communicate through translators. The boys built them after remembering the second dimension. Only Phineas and Ferb own the translators. If you're curious, be sure to check out my other fics, they're a series! HAPPY READING!)**

**(... Serves as a line break)**

"I can't get into my email." Phineas said.

Perry hopped into his lap and looked at the computer screen.

"It says 'THIS EMAIL HAS BEEN DEACTIVATED FOR SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY'. Gosh, Phinny. I didn't know you were guilty of suspicious activity. Are you a smuggler or something?"

"It says I have to follow some steps to recover my account." Phineas said.

"Step one: Put in the exact month, day and year you created this account." Perry read. "Step two: Put in the exact month, day and year you were last able to access this account."

"WHO REMEMBERS THAT SORT OF THING?!" Phineas shouted.

"Dear Diary: Today, March 5, is the very day I created my Danvillemail account. I should write down every day I can access it because I have no life." Perry mocked.

"Still doesn't work." Phineas said. "I know! Ferb and I should make our own email system! Ferbmail! FERB!" Phineas went running upstairs.

"I didn't get my breakfast yet!" Perry yelled.

** ...**

Phineas and Ferb were discussing their success with Ferbmail over breakfast.

"And we have over one million users already!" Phineas said. "Including dad!"

"What an adorable imagination you boys have." Linda said.

"They really did that." Candace said.

"I need my breakfast." Perry chattered.

"You should get an account, mom." Phineas said. "It's a whole new experience in emailing."

"Ferbmail guarantees satisfaction." Ferb said.

"Oh, how cute." Linda said.

Perry got the box of Platypus Puffs out of the cupboard and shook it.

"In a sec, Perry." Phineas said. "We're telling mom about Ferbmail."

"Sure, I'm wasting away and all you can think about is mail."

"If you choose to delete a message, a giant pterodactyl flies onto the screen and eats it." Ferb said.

"Gee, I can't decide whether I should eat all six Platypus Puffs now or save one for later." Perry said.

"Uh oh. Did we forget to buy more Platypus Puffs at the store, mom?" Phineas asked.

"There's some canned food in the fridge you can give him." Linda said.

Phineas went to the fridge and poured the canned food into Perry's dish. He put the few Platypus Puffs that were in the box on top. "There you go, boy."

"Finally. I'm so hungry my throat hurts." Perry began to eat.

"Hey, Candace." Jeremy said.

Candace nearly swallowed her pancake whole. "Jeremy! When did you get here?"

"Sorry I'm a little late for our morning date. I just got a new email account, and it's so awesome! It's like a whole new experience in emailing. Here, I'll give you my new address so you can reach me."

He wrote _jeremyjohnson _ on a napkin and handed it to Candace.

Candace fumed.

"Are you ready for our date?" Jeremy asked.

"Yes." Candace grumbled. She stood up and left the table.

** ...**

"Come on, Perry!" Phineas said, snapping Perry's leash onto his collar.

Perry tugged on the leash. "No! I have been captured."

"We're going to the Danville Fair tonight." Phineas said happily. "It's so fun. It's in Downtown Danville. Mom's finally letting Ferb and I go by ourselves."

"I hate the leash. Can I not be on the leash?"

"You can be in your harness. The one with bunnies all over it."

"Fine, I'll be on the leash."

"You'll love the Danville Fair, Perry." Phineas said, leading Perry down the stairs. "All the stores stay open really late."

Ferb was putting on his coat.

"Aww, is it still cold outside?" Phineas asked.

Ferb nodded. "Mom says Perry needs his winter booties or his feet will get too cold."

"Why do you insist on humiliating me?" Perry moaned.

"At least you don't have to wear Candace's old Bango-Ru mittens." Phineas said. He set Perry down on the couch and began tying on his booties. "Mine got too small for me."

"The polar bear on the booties could pass for a Bango-Ru with those creepily huge eyes. You're tying them on too tight. They're supposed to be loose enough for me to chew the laces off. I don't get why I can't just walk alongside you two."

"Because Isabella and Baljeet and Buford will be there." Phineas said. "They can't see you walking on your hind feet."

"Tell them you genetically engineered me or something. Or that I'm not really Perry, I'm a Perry-robot."

"Come on, Perry." Phineas said, pulling on the leash.

Perry hopped down from the couch with some difficulty and attempted to walk in his booties.

** ...**

"Danville's so pretty at night." Phineas said.

Perry and the boys walked past many tables with things for sale. The people standing at the tables waved at them.

"Hi, Joan!" Phineas said. "Hey, Luke. Nice to see you, Paula. Hi, Jake. Hi, Toby."

"You know everyone." Perry said.

"Of course. I've lived in Danville my whole life." Phineas said. He started to skip. "Come on, you guys. Let's sing a song."

"I hate my booties." Perry sang.

"Oh, Perry."

"I smell chocolate." Ferb said.

They stopped in front of a chocolate shop.

"I think I'm attracted to that scent. We have to go in now." Perry said. "Besides, it's cold. And nothing warms you up like warm chocolate."

"Fire could warm you up better." Ferb said.

"But that wouldn't be the same warm as warm chocolate." Phineas said.

"Warm is starting to sound like worm." Perry said. "Worm worm worm worm…"

"Let's get chocolate." Phineas interrupted.

They headed into the crowded shop.

"I'll pay." Perry offered.

"I don't think you'll be able to get your wallet out with your booties." Ferb said.

Perry sulked.

"Look." Phineas said. "They have marshmallows on a stick covered in fudge."

"And chocolate shakes. And chocolate ice cream. And bananas dipped in three kinds of chocolate." Ferb said.

"You guys are going to be impossible after you've eaten all this." Perry said.

"Hi, Phineas!" Said Isabella, dragging her Chihuahua Pinky along on a leash. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Buying chocolate." Phineas said.

"Nice booties." Pinky told Perry.

"Oh, shut up." Perry grumbled.

"I went in to work yesterday, and Monogram was showing this lady around the agency." Pinky said.

"What lady?"

"I don't know. Her name's Sandra Synonym. He was telling her how the computers worked. We're thinking she might take over the computer repair job."

"Interesting."

"Come on, Perry." Phineas said. "We got our chocolate." He tugged on Perry's leash.

"Bye." Perry said. He followed Phineas out of the shop.

Phineas gave Perry a fudge-covered marshmallow.

They continued their walk through the streets.

"Look, an old caboose!" Phineas said, eating a chocolate-covered strawberry from his chocolate bag.

"Let's go see it!" Ferb said.

They headed over to the old caboose.

"Cool train." Ferb said.

"Super cool!" Phineas said.

Perry snuck another marshmallow from Phineas's bag and watched the boys admire the train.

Nothing made him happier than just being with them. They were his family, and he loved them more than anything.

** ...**

"Buh-lowfish!" Ferb snickered.

Perry tugged on his leash, trying to drag the boys home. They were completely hyped up on sugar.

"It's a horse!" Phineas laughed. "A horse in a bookcase!"

"A hurse ern ur burkcurse!"

"Bookcase is a weird word. Bookcase. Ha ha!"

"Come on, boys. We're almost home." Perry said.

"Phineas Flynn." Ferb said, doubling over with laughter.

"Garbage truck!" Phineas giggled.

Perry pulled them into the house and led them upstairs into their room.

"Help me get my booties off." He said.

"Bootay." Ferb said.

Phineas went hysterical.

"Take them off, please." Perry growled.

"Bootay." Ferb said. "Bootay booties."

"Burties!" Phineas said, tears coming out of his eyes.

Perry sighed. He went over to the stairwell and tugged his front booties off with his teeth. He tossed them down the stairs.

"Those should be fun for Candace to find in the morning." He muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

Perry entered his lair.

Instead of being on the screen, Monogram was standing in the lair itself.

Perry started to panic. It was surely the end of the world. There was no way that Monogram was outside of the screen…

"Agent P! I'm glad you're here." Monogram said. "There's someone I want you to meet."

A woman with dark hair and a friendly face held out her hand. Perry sniffed it suspiciously.

"Agent P, this is Sandra Synonym. Sandra Synonym, this is Agent P. He's one of our top agents. Best in his field."

Perry folded his arms.

"Come on, Agent P. Shake hands."

Perry turned his back.

"I'm sorry." Monogram apologized. "He must be in a bad mood today. It takes him a while to warm up to people."

"Quite all right." Sandra said.

"You just need to earn his trust. Which I'm sure will be easy to do over time. Sandra's going to be around a lot, Agent P. I have to show her the ropes at the O.W.C.A. You see, I'm retiring."

Perry whirled around.

Monogram had to be joking. Monogram had been working at the agency his whole life. He had been working there _Perry's_ whole life. He had found Perry, raised Perry, trained Perry…

Perry found himself clutching Monogram's pant leg. Monogram tried to shake him off.

"Now, I know it's something to get used to. But Sandra will be great at my job. And I'm not retiring just yet. In a month or so. I'll come back and visit. And my son will still work here."

Perry wrapped himself around Monogram's leg.

"Agent P, this is highly childish."

Perry didn't care. Monogram couldn't just _leave_.

**...**

"He can't retire." Perry grumbled. "He just can't."

"Well, it's not the spaghetti's fault." Pinky said.

Perry had been stabbing the pasta for a full minute without actually taking a bite. It was quite chopped up.

"I like Synonym." Peter the panda said. "She gave me a bamboo stalk."

"We have to stop Monogram from leaving." Perry said.

"We'll miss him, too." Darren the duck said. "But we can't do anything about it, Perry. Monogram's gone. We just gotta get over it."

"We can TOO do something." Perry said. "I'll think of something…"

"Why don't you think of all the reasons you hate Monogram?" Darren asked, taking a bite of pear. "That way you won't miss him later."

"He takes all the tacos when the cafeteria gets them in." Peter said.

"That is true." Darren said. "And remember that time he didn't believe you about Thad Badley? And that time he knocked you over and you got stuck in that toilet?"

Perry dropped his fork. "How did YOU find out about that?"

"He posted a picture online. Oh, that's another thing you can be mad at him for!"

"I don't care about all the stupid stuff he's done!" Perry snapped. "I just don't want things to change. I like having Monogram here."

"Perry's right." Peter said. "There's an old saying that goes 'if it's not fixed, don't break it'."

"It's 'if it's not broken, don't fix it'." Perry corrected.

"Well, you shouldn't break something if it's not fixed anyway." Peter said. "Because then there's no point, it'll still be broken."

"Once I broke this vase that Isabella painted Phineas's face on." Pinky said. "When she glued it back together, it ended up looking like Ferb, so when she gave it to Phineas, he thought it was for Ferb and gave it to him."

"I know that vase." Perry said. He suddenly had an idea. "Wait. Monogram loves this agency. He wouldn't leave if he was the only one who could run it."

"What are you saying?" Peter asked.

"I'm saying that we should show Monogram that the agency can't run without him." Perry said.

"It's gonna get messy, isn't it?" Pinky asked.

"Oh, yes." Perry said.

**...**

"Hey, boys, you have any fingerpaints we could use?" Perry asked.

"I don't wanna fingerpaint right now." Phineas said.

He and Ferb were staring at the computer.

"What are you playing?" Perry asked.

"Zoo Baboon." Phineas said. "You build your own zoo and the landscapes and stuff."

Perry watched as Ferb built a huge mountain in the middle of a lake. He placed a hippo on the top of the mountain.

The hippo teetered and plummeted into the lake.

Ferb clicked the mouse rapidly. One after the other, hippos tilted down the mountain, popping up from the lake and chasing after the zoo guests.

"Is that all he can do?" Perry asked.

"Nope." Phineas said. "Wait till you see his rhino. Show him your rhino, Ferb."

Ferb moved his mouse. They came to an empty zoo pen.

"Where's my rhino?" Ferb asked.

"Zoom in." Phineas said.

Ferb zoomed in. There was a large crack in the glass fence of the rhino pen.

"Oh dear." Ferb said.

"Go to the right." Perry said. "I think I hear some guests screaming."

The rhino was chasing some of the guests. Ferb filled the land they were standing on with water and placed a fence around it.

"Ferb, the guests are locked in with your rhino." Perry said.

"I know." Ferb said.

"That guest is mad." Phineas said, pointing at a girl with an angry icon over her head.

"She has to use the toilet." Ferb said.

He paused the game and surrounded the girl with bathrooms. Then he pushed play.

"There we are." He said cheerfully.

"Why is Guest 47 a skeleton?" Perry asked.

"Because my hippo ate him." Ferb said.

"Ooookaay then." Perry said. "Can you tell me where you guys keep your fingerpaints?"

"In our room." Phineas said. "In my closet on the top shelf."

"Great. Thanks, boys."

**...**

"We have paint… mustard… bowling balls… feathers… anything else we need for Plan Monogram?" Perry asked.

"I brought my baby cousins." Peter said.

Three baby pandas were rolling around on the floor.

"Aww." Pinky and Devon the dog said.

"Don't be fooled by the cuteness." Peter said. "They are machines of destruction."

"Good." Perry said. "We put our plan into action when Monogram starts letting Synonym take over. We'll need to get all of the agents in on the plan. Maybe a couple of humans as well."

"What humans would actually go along with it?" Devon asked.

"Sideblow the groomer is nice, Monty might do it, and Carl-"

"Carl?"

"He idolizes Monogram. He's probably crushed that he's leaving and would do anything to get him back. Pinky, I don't know Admiral Acronym too well. Would she help?"

Pinky shook his head. "She'd say, 'Goodness, Pinky, I am appalled that you would think to do such a thi-'"

"So that's a no. We all agree to not back out of this?"

"I just don't get one thing." Peter said. "You and Monogram aren't that close. Why don't you want him to leave?"

"Even though we're not close, I still like him." Perry said. "Something about him leaving feels wrong-"

"The aliens must be controlling him!" Carrie the cat shrieked. "THE ALIENS! THEY'RE BACK!"

The animals began running around the room in a panic.

"The aliens are NOT back. We had an entire party celebrating their downfall. Now SIT DOWN." Perry hissed.

The agents sat.

"As I was saying. We'd all miss him if he was gone. The agency just wouldn't be the same."

"Don't break something if it's not fixed." Peter supplied.

"…Thanks, Peter. Anyhow. Meeting adjourned."

** ...**

_"Thank you for shopping at Jeremy Mart. We hope our Jeremy Services have met all your Jeremy Needs." Jeremy said, handing Perry a bag with a picture of Jeremy's face on it._

"Perry!" Phineas shook Perry awake. "Why do you look like that?"

Perry sat up. Cucumber slices fell onto the floor. "What? Where's the fire…"

"You fell asleep with cucumbers on your eyes and goop on your face. I thought you hated that exfoliation stuff."

"I'm not exfoliating. People don't exfoliate with mayonnaise. It just feels nice on your face. You ever tried it?"

"You tried to make a cucumber and mayonnaise sandwich again, didn't you?"

"Someday I'll manage to get the ingredients between those bread slices." Perry said darkly.

"You're so bad at making sandwiches." Phineas said.

"I know. You don't have to keep reminding me. Hey, at least I made Steve…"

Phineas shuddered. "I don't like to talk about that sandwich."

Ferb came into the room and stared at Perry.

Phineas mouthed the word "Sandwich".

Perry grabbed a paper towel and wiped off his face. "So, you guys promised you'd give me a Ferbmail account."

The boys jumped up excitedly and ran to the computer.

"First you click on Ferb's shirt to choose a username." Phineas said.

Perry clicked on the picture of Ferb on the screen. Ferb's shirt button turned into a textbox.

"Put in your first and last name and it'll generate username options based on your name." Phineas said.

Perry did.

The Ferb on the screen opened his mouth, and a speech bubble popped out.

_USERNAME OPTIONS FOR PERRY FLYNN-FLETCHER:_

_perryflynnfletcher _

_prrflnnfltchr _

_perry-ff _

_perrybeary _

_platypusperry _

_squishaliciousworms _

"Okay, that last one is weird." Perry said. "How'd it know my usual username? Wait. How does it know I'm a platypus?"

"Ferb?" Phineas asked.

Ferb only shrugged.

"You can also type in another username if you want." Phineas said.

"I'll take squishaliciousworms." Perry said.

"Username selected." The Ferb on the screen said. "Now click on my pants to begin your Ferbmail experience."

"This suddenly got disturbing." Perry said.

"I'll do it." Ferb said. He clicked on the virtual Ferb's left pant leg.

FERBMAIL flashed onto the screen in neon green letters.

Suddenly a bunch of can-can dancers danced onto the screen. Fireworks shot off in the background.

"YOU'VE GOT A FERB-TASTIC EMAIL!" The dancers sang, holding up a giant sparkling envelope. "CLICK TO READ!"

"We didn't overdo it with the special effects, did we, Ferb?" Phineas asked.

"Uh… no. Why would you think that?" Perry asked as a porpoise flipped to open up his letter. The can-can dancers began to read the letter out loud.


	3. Chapter 3

"…And then to send your message, you just click on the Giant Floating Baby Head." Phineas said.

Perry did. The Giant Floating Baby Head floated over to the message and somehow closed it in a letter with a Klimpaloon stamp. The letter floated to a mailbox, where an alligator in a mail carrier outfit put it into a bag and walked off the screen.

"MESSAGE DELIVERED!" Sang the can-can dancers, standing off to one side of the screen.

"There's also a chat feature." Phineas said.

"Does it involve can-can dancers?" Perry asked wearily.

"Oh, you can turn those off." Ferb said. "Just click on my nose."

Perry clicked on virtual Ferb's nose. The can-can dancers covered their mouths with their hands.

"And now click on my shoe to start the chat feature." Ferb said.

"I hope you don't mind." Phineas said. "We already added you as friends."

"I don't mind at all." Perry said.

"Phineas?" Linda called gloomily.

"Yeah, mom?" Phineas asked.

"I need you to come here for a minute."

"She sounds upset." Perry said. "Hope everything's okay."

Phineas seemed unsure himself. He left the room.

"Are you guys gonna add any more features to Ferbmail?" Perry asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Ferb nodded. "As soon as we perfect the floating bubblegum we made today."

He took a small gumball out of his pocket, popped it into his mouth, and chewed it.

He blew a bubble and began to float.

"Cool." Perry said.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOO!_" Phineas shouted.

Ferb's bubble popped. He fell to the ground. Perry fell out of the computer chair.

Phineas ran into the living room and up the stairs. "_NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!_ I HATE EVERYTHING! _EVERYTHING!_"

"Even Ferbmail?" Ferb asked.

Phineas didn't appear to hear him. A moment later, they heard his bedroom door slam.

Linda rushed into the living room and stood at the foot of the stairs. "Phineas? Phineas, honey? I'm so sorry, there's nothing I can do… Phineas, please come down…"

Candace walked by, talking to Stacy on her phone.

"What? Oh, that was nothing, just Phineas being weird again. Anyway, Jeremy had this one single hair dangling in front of his face today. He was so cute-"

"Candace." Linda interrupted pleadingly. "I know it's a lot to ask, honey, but could you please go with Phineas? It'll be so hard on him alone."

"No way." Candace said, disgusted. She went back to her phone conversation. "And he TOTALLY smiled at me- NO, STACY, I DO NOT HAVE A FERBMAIL ACCOUNT AND I DON'T WANT ONE."

Perry looked at Ferb. "Should we check on him?"

A loud crashing noise sounded upstairs. Ferb looked nervous.

"We should let him cool off first." Perry said. "Got it. Do you know what's wrong with him?"

Ferb shook his head. He blew another gum bubble and began to float.

** ...**

Perry chattered at Monogram, who was typing something on a laptop onscreen.

"Not now, Agent P. I just got a new message on my Ferbmail account. Cheese and crackers, how do you turn off these darn can-can dancers?"

"You just click on Ferb's nose, sir." Carl said.

"Kids are so good with the latest technology." Monogram muttered. "Ah, yes, Agent P. Your mission. Doofenshmirtz has created some kind of inator that threatens email everywhere. Get to the bottom of it."

Perry saluted and jumped out of his chair.

** ...**

Perry was trapped inside a giant envelope.

"Ah, Perry the platypus." Doofenshmirtz said. "You're probably wondering why you're trapped in a giant envelope. Well, you see, Vanessa was doing a project on envelopes when she was six and she gave her visual aid to me as a birthday present, and I hadn't really figured out any use for it until now. Makes for a great trap. Who knew? Anyway, behold…" Doofenshmirtz walked over to a large machine. "The SWAPTHEMAILINATOR! Oh, and the trap fits in with my theme, too. See, ya never know what you'll find around the house."

Perry blinked.  
>"You wouldn't believe how hip this new email sensation is. It's called 'Ferbmail' or something like that. I just got an account yesterday, but no one ever sends me any mail. By the way, add me as a friend. I'm doofalicious . Like I was saying, no one ever sends me anything. But with this inator, I will swapinate all of the ferbmail that goes through and send it to myself! That way I can read EVERYONE'S mail, and… somehow find their weaknesses or something and tie taking over the Tri-State Area into there. But first things first, I'll finally get mail! Let me just figure out which switch to press to turn this thing on…"<p>

Perry took a letter opener out of his fur pocket and cut an opening in the giant envelope. He slipped out and ran over to Doofenshmirtz's invention.

"NO, PERRY THE PLATYPUS! NOT MY INATOR!"

Doofenshmirtz pushed Perry into a pile of stuffed animals. Perry tried to get back up.

"Huh, Vanessa's old stuffed animals work as a trap too. I need to make a note of that. NOW TREMBLE IN FEAR AS ALL OF THE MAIL IS SWAP-INATED TO ME!"

Doofenshmirtz pressed a big red button.

The machine whirred to life and promptly exploded.

"That… was the self-destruct button." Doofenshmirtz said dejectedly.

Perry rolled his eyes and parachuted off the side of the building.

"CURSE YOU, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!"

** ...**

Perry returned home to find Ferb sitting on the couch, playing his favorite video game, Cerberus Celebration.

"Monogram was showing Synonym how to access the O.W.C.A mainframe today." Perry said gloomily. "I think he's really serious about leaving. I can't believe he'd just leave like that. Where's Phinny?"

Ferb pointed at the ceiling.

"Same place as when I left, huh?"

"CEREB-TASTIC!" Said the Cerberus on the screen. "You just won eighteen Cerberus Coinz! You can use these Kool Coinz to buy more heads for your Kuh-rayzee Kustomized Cerberus!"

"I don't get why they spell everything with K when Cerberus starts with C." Perry said.

"Coinz starts with C." Ferb said.

"And apparently ends in Z." Perry said. "So he hasn't come down from your room yet?"

Ferb shook his head. He took a piece of pizza out of the box on the living room table and took a bite. "He won't let me in. So we can't perfect our gum. Tell him I have pizza. And that my Cerberus is about to fight the Wacky Weretiger. I'll finally have enough Coinz to buy my third head a hat like the other two heads."

"LITTLE JENNY THE CERBERUS IS READY TO FIGHT!" The game said. The screen showed a horribly frightening picture of a three-headed dog with pointy teeth, foaming at the mouth. Two of the heads were wearing dashing top hats. The third head had a little pink bow tied around a tuft of fur. The three necks all had collars with "Little Jenny" engraved on the tags.

"I hope… Little Jenny wins." Perry said.

"Thank you." Ferb said.

Perry headed upstairs. He knocked on Phineas's door.

"I hate everything." Phineas muttered.

"Phinny? Can I come in?"

"No."

"Ferb has pizza." Perry opened the door a crack.

Phineas was lying facedown on his bed. He appeared to have been crying.

"Phin, what's wrong?"

"Everything."

"No." Perry said, putting a hand on his back. "Not everything."

"Yes. Everything."

"Ferbmail's not wrong."

Phineas laughed half-heartedly. "Yeah. I guess."

"Neither is Little Jenny the Cerberus. Or Ferb. Or me. See, things are still good. Ferb has pizza, and he's playing that Cerberus game you guys like. He says he's about to fight the Krazy Tiger or something."

"The Wacky Weretiger." Phineas corrected.

"Right. Why don't you come downstairs? It'll make you feel better."

Phineas wiped his eyes. "Yeah… it would. I should spend time with you guys."

"You don't have to if you don't feel up to it."

"No… I want to." Phineas sniffled. "I'm not gonna be home for a while."

"Why not?" Perry asked.

Phineas sighed. "Because of stupid Martin O'Riley. I hate him, he's stupid…"

Phineas started to cry again. Perry patted him on the back. "It's okay. You don't have to talk about it."

Phineas talked through his sobs anyway. Perry was able to make out a few words. He believed Phineas was trying to tell him that Martin demanded that he spend a month in another city… something about hate and stupid… and that Phineas couldn't do anything about it and Candace was old enough to stay and he was all alone and Ferb couldn't come and Phineas didn't want to make him come anyway, and that he wanted to stay home and not waste a month being with Martin, who was stupid and Phineas hated him.

Perry wasn't sure he completely understood, but he tried to be as sympathetic as possible.

"It's okay." He said. "Come on downstairs. We'll eat pizza. That'll make you feel better."

Phineas nodded. "Is Ferb really on the level with the Weretiger?"

"That's what he said."

** ...**

"YES! I WON!" Ferb yelled. "NOW LITTLE JENNY'S THIRD HEAD CAN HAVE A TOP HAT!"

Phineas clapped. "Next time we should play as my Cerberus, Bun E. Rabbit."

"Bun E. Rabbit already has 53 Cerberus Pointz, though." Ferb said. "And six heads with diamond collars that have animated dog tags. I have to level up Little Jenny."

Phineas spread himself across the couch and took another slice of pizza.

"Your feet are digging into my hip." Ferb said.

"Your hip is blocking me." Phineas said.

"Too hip for you." Ferb said.

"Buh-lowfish." Phineas giggled.

"That's what I love about you guys." Perry said. "We always have hilarious conversations no one else will understand."

"We should eat some chocolate ice cream after this." Phineas said. "I'll go get us some, actually. You all want whipped cream?"

Perry and Ferb nodded.

"Okay. Be right back."

Phineas hopped up and went into the kitchen.

Perry and Ferb stared silently at the screen for a moment. Little Jenny was performing a victory dance on her hind legs.

"So, I think I kind of found out what was wrong with Phinny." Perry whispered. "But I didn't understand."

Ferb looked at him.

"He says he's being forced to go away for the month because of some guy and Candace didn't have to go and he hated it and he just wanted to stay here."

"Guy?" Ferb asked.

"Martin Oradi or something. I don't remember."

"Martin O'Riley?" Ferb supplied jokingly.

"...Yeah. That was it." Perry said.

Ferb looked surprised. "Oh. No. Well, no wonder he's upset then."

"Why?" Perry asked.

"Martin O'Riley's the genetic supplier of half of the chromosomes-"

"English, Ferb."

"He's my dear brother's biological father." Ferb said. "And he hasn't been in contact. But from what little I've heard about him, he wasn't very well-liked."


	4. Chapter 4

"My, you all look gloomy." Monogram said.

None of the agents looked at him. They continued to sulk on the agency's meeting table.

"Nothing to have a frowny-face about." Monogram said. "Just because I'm retiring after many years of work with each and every one of you… oh. Well, anyway, don't be glum! Sandra Synonym will do wonderfully."

Synonym smiled at the animals.

Perry glared at her.

"I know." Monogram said. "Let's play a get-to-know-one-another game. Sandra will get to know you, and you will all get to know Sandra."

None of the animals moved.

"It's mandatory." Monogram said grumpily. "Now sit down on the floor. That's an order."

"Forcing us to play a game." Perry said. "That's a new one."

He was in a rotten mood already, and he had a feeling that "getting to know" Sandra Synonym wasn't going to help.

"Oh boy, what fun this will be!" Synonym said. "I look forward to meeting each one of you special animals."

"I hate when people use the word 'special'." Perry grumbled. "Oh, what a 'special' drawing you've made. You're really something 'special'. Try this 'special' muffin."

Peter snickered.

"Now, here's how you play the game." Synonym said. "Each one of you will be given a card with a subject on it like "color", "place" or "toy". You will tell me which color, place or toy is your favorite. If you need help reading a word, just call 'Special Sandra', and I will come to your reading rescue! But first, tell me your names."

Perry grinned at Darren, who made the cuckoo sign and pointed at Synonym. They all knew no human would understand a word they said.

"My name is Horace." Said Magdelena the mongoose.

"I'm Beatrice." Said Ferdinand the frog."

"I'm bored." Said Darren.

"I hate you and I hate this stupid game." Perry said.

"My name is Butt." Said Baby Ned the narwhal.

After all the agents had said random things, Synonym grinned. "What lovely names you all have! Now, let's play!"

She handed them each a card. Perry's card said "Pencil".

"What's your favorite pencil." He muttered. "How is that even a category…"

** ...**

"Excellent job playing the game." Synonym said cheerfully. "You all did wonderfully."

The animals stared blankly at her.

"Now, let's play another game." Synonym said. "I'll give you each a box of crayons, and you can color your very own picture! I will hang each of your special pictures up on the wall of the agency so that they'll really shine!"

She handed them each a box of crayons and paper. The animals all looked at each other.

"Go on." Monogram said firmly. He didn't appear very interested in Sandra's idea, but he still seemed determined to have her accepted by the agents.

"I'm drawing Synonym a black hole." Perry said, scribbling a huge circle with a black crayon.

"I'm drawing a butt." Said Baby Ned.

** ...**

Perry was sitting next to Ferb on Phineas's bed.

"I don't want to pack." Phineas said, sulking on the floor.

"Then don't pack." Perry said.

"I have to."

"We could dig an underground passage in the backyard to a big mansion." Ferb said. "And you could hide in there."

Phineas's eyes lit up. "Yes! We could build a huge mansion with a pool and instead of stairs we could have slides and... but... we don't have time." He sighed and looked down at the floor. "I don't have any choice. I have to go."

"Is Martin at least nice?" Perry asked.

"I don't know why he's making me go." Phineas muttered. "He wasn't supposed to bother us again. He's not part of my life anymore. He was supposed to go away."

"Maybe I could go with you." Perry said. "Then you wouldn't be alone."

"I don't wanna make you go." Phineas said.

"We'd be together." Perry said.

"…Yeah. I guess I can ask if I can take you." Phineas said. "And you wouldn't be stuck there, anyways. You could go home whenever and come back and stuff… I guess. I'll ask him."

Phineas slunk downstairs. Perry looked at Ferb.

"I don't want him to have to go." Perry said. "What kind of person forces their kid to go see them? Especially when they're supposed to be completely out of the picture?"

"Martin O'Riley." Ferb said. "But don't worry. We can still chat with him over Ferbmail. Or we can get a large bat..."

Phineas came back upstairs, looking even more depressed than before. "I called and he said no. He said his dog doesn't like other animals. I told him you were really well-behaved, but he said no."

"Well, there's always Ferbmail." Ferb said.

"I guess." Phineas sighed. "I'm just mad."

"Think of something happy." Ferb said. "Like armpits."

"Are armpits happy?" Phineas asked.

"I don't know. Did you ever think to ask your armpit?" Ferb asked.

"The conversation just got disturbing." Perry said.

** ...**

"GIVE IT!" Perry snarled.

He tried to pull the granola bar out of Kyle's grasp, but Kyle wasn't giving it up.

They started tussling.

"All right, drop the item." Said a voice.

Kyle and Perry looked up. Neither of them released the granola bar.

Synonym was standing over them. "Come on, boys. Let's drop it."

Perry growled.

Synonym snatched the granola bar away from them and held it up. "Attention, all agents."

She didn't have to do much to get their attention. They had already been standing in a circle, watching Kyle and Perry fight.

"This is a very special granola bar." She said. "Do you know why it is special?"

"Because it's mine." Perry said. "And if you say 'special' one more time, I'll make your face look 'special'."

"Because it's blueberry marshmallow flavor?" Kyle asked.

"Because it's the last one?" Peter asked.

"This is a very special granola bar because Kyle and Perry both want it." Synonym said. "Now, let's settle our differences and figure out what to do."

"Get Kyle a different granola bar." Perry said.

"Why don't we break the granola bar in half?" Synonym opened up the bar, broke it into two parts and handed a piece to Perry and Kyle. "There. Now everyone is happy."

Perry glared at her.

Synonym patted him on the head and left.

"Darn." Kyle said. "We didn't get to fight very long."

"This stinks." Perry said. "We can't have a simple playfight over a worthless granola bar without Synonym making us settle our differences in that annoying high-pitched voice."

"I say we put Plan Monogram into action now." Peter said.

"We can't do that." Perry said. "It's not the right time."

"We do it tomorrow." Said a voice.

Everyone turned. Security agent Ernest the eagle was standing behind them.

"Flittering E- I mean, Agent E?" Perry sputtered. "You're going to be a part of Plan Monogram?"

"I like the Major." Ernest said, glaring at Perry. "And I must say that I am not pleased with him leaving, nor his replacement."

"She told me I was 'adorable'." Peter said.

"When I looked tired, she made me take a nap." Devon the dog said.

"She used to work in a daycare." Ernest said.

"_Ohhhhhh_!" The animals shouted.

"That explains SO much." Perry said.

"I say we begin Plan Monogram tomorrow." Ernest said.

Perry shrugged. "I guess if we change it up a little, we can do it tomorrow."

The agents all nodded.

"All right." Perry said. "Tomorrow, it's go-time."

** ...**

**"HEY."** Perry typed.

When he hit return, a sparkling unicorn fluttered onto his computer screen, placed its hoof on an ink pad and stamped "**HEY"** onto the chat board.

After a moment, a blue sparkling unicorn wearing a mail hat fluttered down onto the computer screen. It stamped "**HI"** onto the chat board.

"FERB!" Perry called. "HOW DO YOU TURN OFF THE UNICORNS?"

There was no response. Perry sighed.

**"How do you make this into normal chat with no unicorns?"** He typed.

His unicorn stamped his message onto the chat board. The blue unicorn stamped a response.

**"You click on Ferb's right thumb."**

Perry did. The unicorns vanished.

**"Thanks, Phinny. Why unicorns?"**

After a moment, the response pinged onto the screen. "**We thought Candace would like them. For some reason, she never got a Ferbmail account."**

**"How are you doing?"**

**"Eeh."**

**"Just 'Eeh', huh?"**

**"I'm kind of bored. All that's on TV are these shows about people getting their dream house or learning how much money they can get for their dining room table or something."**

**"Have you done anything besides watch TV?"**

**"Yeah. Mr. O'Riley got this cupcake-making machine or something so we tried to make cupcakes but they turned out really gross because we added too many eggs and then the machine overflowed and cupcake stuff landed on the floor and then his dog Nelson tried to lick it up and cupcake stuff dripped on his head."**

**"That sounds interesting."**

**"It wasn't really. Ferb and I could have made better cupcakes. Or a better machine. One cupcake turned out okay though."**

**"Was it good?"**

**"Not really. It kind of tasted like sweet bread instead of cake. But the frosting was okay."**

**"Did you do anything else besides eat fake cupcakes and watch golf on television?"**

**"There's this train set that I'm playing with right now. I stuck Nelson in the caboose. He doesn't seem to notice anything. He's kind of lazy."**

**"How big is Nelson to fit in a train set like that?"**

**"The train set's kind of big. Not huge. The caboose is about as big as you are. Nelson's a really small dachshund. I think his mom was probably a Chihuahua or something."**

**"I hope you're not too bored."**

Ferb walked into the room, sucking on a popsicle. "Are you talking to Phineas?"

"Yeah." Perry said.  
>"Is he bored?"<p>

"I'd assume so. He's watching reality television."

Ferb made a gagging motion. "I'm gonna go watch Revenge of the Fallen Icicles. Ask him if he wants to watch."

"How is he gonna watch?"

"Through the video chat screen we set up." Ferb said.

He pressed a button.

The large screen projector the boys kept in their room rolled down. Ferb sat the laptop down on his bedside table.

He typed **"Do you want to watch Revenge of the Fallen Icicles with us"** into the chat.

"Hey, did you turn off the unicorns?" He asked Perry.

Perry nodded.

Ferb clicked a few buttons, and Phineas appeared on video chat.

"Can you see the screen okay?" Ferb asked.

"Yep! Thanks, guys. This'll be fun."

"It's almost like having you here." Perry said happily.

Ferb started the movie.

"REVENGE OF THE FALLEN ICICLES" appeared on the screen in dripping ice letters.

"Is this a horror movie?" Phineas asked. "I forget."

"Not unless you have a fear of ice." Perry said.


	5. Chapter 5

"I can't sleep." Ferb said.

Perry opened one eye. The cold night air was blowing in through the open window. The blanket draped over him wasn't keeping him very warm.

"I kept seeing icicles every time I closed my eyes." Ferb said.

Perry shuddered. "Don't say that word. That's the last time I watch a horror movie late at night."

Ferb walked over to the window and closed it.

"I think I'm gonna have issues with snow days from now on." Perry said. "MAN, that movie was terrifying. Remember when the icicle-"

"Don't!" Ferb said, covering his ears. "I remember, I remember." He crawled back into bed.

Perry climbed into bed with him. Ferb's covers were much warmer than his purple blanket.

"Have you and Phineas ever been apart this long?" Perry asked.

"A couple of times." Ferb said. "Mostly for one-day trips."

"A month is a long time." Perry said.

Ferb patted him.

Perry slowly drifted off to sleep.

** ...**

Perry stormed into the agency.

"You look like you had a good morning." Darren the duck commented.

"I had nightmares about icicles all night, I woke up late, and now my head hurts because I have a huge zit above my left eyebrow. Look."

Darren squinted. "I don't see anything. Just a slight bump in your fur."

"Yeah, that's Mount Pimplemore. I might as well just stick a little arrow pointing to it: MOUNT PIMPLEMORE, GIVING ME HEADACHES SINCE LAST NIGHT."

"I think Mount Zit Helens is better." Said Darren.

"How about Mount Zitsuveus?" Peter asked. "In the center of Pimplepeii."

"Those are volcanoes, not mountains- EW. YOU GUYS, GROSS. NOW I HAVE A STOMACHACHE ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE."

"Put ice on it." Darren suggested.

"Guys, we can name the zit later." Pinky said. "But today's the day we carry out Plan Monogram. We have to focus."

Peter's baby cousins hopped into the room.

"Everyone, meet my cousins." Peter said. "Ping, Pang and Po."

"If the last one was named Qiu, we'd have a game of ping-pong." Perry said.

Peter blinked.

"Ping Pang Qiu? Means ping-pong? …Never mind." Perry shook his head.

"Bamboo." Said Pang, clapping his paws.

"That's the only word they know so far." Peter said.

"Yes, yes. They'll do nicely." Ernest said, walking up to them.

"Since we're all on board with this Monogram thing, can I call you something besides Sir?" Perry asked. "How about it, Ernest Hemingway?"

"Don't push it, agent." Ernest snapped.

"All right." Perry said. "Chester the chameleon, since you're good at blending in places, you'll give Synonym the letter telling her that she is to meet Monogram at the airport."

"The 'special' letter." Chester mocked.

"Peter, put Ping, Pang and Qiu in with the new recruits and give them all the fingerpaint, glue, and messy art supplies we have."

"Ping, Pang and PO." Peter corrected.

"Whatever. Terry the turtle, you give Monogram HIS letter telling him about an important meeting in the Quad-State Area. The Importance of Being Ernest, you and Pinky and Darren will go to that 'meeting' and impersonate Colonel Conundrum. Remember, Chester, don't give Synonym the letter until AFTER Monogram has left to go to the meeting. Devon, Peter and I will round up the other agents and do the rest. Everyone got that?"

All of the agents nodded.

"Awesome." Perry said. "Plan Monogram, activate."

** ...**

Monogram hurried into the main room.

Perry and Devon were sitting at the table, pretending to play cards. They looked up at Monogram.

"Have you seen Synonym?" Monogram asked.

Perry pointed. Synonym was telling Peter what 'special' baby cousins he had.

"Sandra?" Monogram called.

Synonym looked up. "Yes?"

"Would you mind doing me a favor? I have to head to a meeting in the Quad-State area. This works out nicely, because it will give the agents a chance to see how you'll run the place once I'm gone. Look after them."

"I'm sure we'll have great fun." Synonym assured him. "You go on to your special meeting. Don't worry about a thing."

"Please find a synonym for 'special'." Perry muttered. "I can't stand the word anymore."

Monogram thanked her and left.

"Pen and paper." Perry whispered.

Devon handed the items to him. Perry forged Monogram's handwriting best he could.

_Dear Sandra Synonym,_

_My meeting ended very early. Turns out, it was a trap. I need your help on this…_

Perry smiled.

_SPECIAL mission. I need you to stand in the middle of Danville's airline and wait for me. IMMEDIATELY. GO NOW. I will not come at once. I'm not sure when I'll come, come to think of it. But I need your help. The world needs your help. The agents will be fine by themselves. COME NOW._

_FRANCIS MONOGRAM_

Perry folded up the letter and handed it to Chester, who instantly vanished. Perry watched the letter float across the floor before landing on a table next to Synonym.

"Oh, goodness." Synonym said. "A letter."

She picked it up, quickly scanned it, and gave a little gasp. "Oh dear. I'm afraid something very special has come up, little agents. Don't you worry your little heads, though. I will be back, and then we can play some educational and healthy games!"

She ran out the door. Perry and Devon grinned at each other.

"Okay, agents." Perry said. "Let's do some redecorating."

** ...**

The new recruits were very happy with Plan Monogram.

A baby hippo was riding a tricycle through the main room. Its tires had been painted, and the paint was still wet.

Baby Ned was painting the word _BUTT_ over and over on the wall with his fin. A baby pony squirted glue across the room.

"FLOWERS!" Shouted Ping, tossing many pots at the floor.

Rhonda the rhino had set up a disco ball, and Marvin the monkey had ordered seventeen large cheese pizzas.

Perry took a slice and shoved through the dancing agents to find the couch. It was covered in popcorn and spilled punch.

He sat down and watched the chaos unfold. Plan Monogram was going quite nicely.

"Awesome party, dude." Said Rocky the raccoon, sitting down next to him.

"It's not a party." Perry said. "It's our plan to keep Monogram from retiring. Once he sees how quickly things fall apart with Synonym in charge, he'll be forced to stay."

"I still think it's a radical party." Rocky said. "I've drunk so much orange soda my mouth's permanently fizzed up."

"Who brought soda?"

"Kyle. You want some?"

"Nah, I don't like fizzy drinks."

Rocky left.

"Think I should blast a couple of holes in the wall?" Ferdinand the frog asked.

"No, I think the chocolate syrup's done enough." Perry said.

Lowe the fennec fox came into the main room, holding his ears. He ducked as a flowerpot came flying past his head.

"What is this?" He asked Perry in the same calm tone he used for every situation.

"We're trying to keep Monogram at the agency." Perry said.

"Hm. I'll try to block the noise out of my office, then." Lowe said.

"Sorry."

"No, it's fine. How are you? After, you know… what happened a while ago."

Perry shrugged. "I'm all right. The alien invasion was intense. But hey, I heard you vanquished Gretalyn. Good job there."

Lowe half-smiled. "Good. So you've sorted everything out since then?"

"Yep. Pretty much."

Lowe ducked again to avoid a baby pig who had just been launched from a cannon. "I think I'll take a rain check on the party. See you later."

"Where'd you get the cannon?" Perry called to baby Ned.

Ned shrugged. "It was in da basement."

"Be careful with that. We don't want a pig-shaped hole in the door."

"I was aiming at dat secuwity agent."

"Oh. Carry on, then." Perry said.

"EVERYONE, _STOP!_" Monogram shouted.

Everyone turned. Monogram was standing in the doorway of the agency.

"I can't believe this!" Monogram yelled. "WHERE IS SYNONYM?"

Synonym came running into the agency. "Oh dear! Naughty agents! That wasn't a very nice thing to do while I was gone!"

"You _LEFT THEM ALONE?!_" Monogram fumed. "The new recruits _CAN'T_ be alone, Sandra, I _told_ you that! Look at the walls! Look at the _floors_! Agent P has feathers glued to his back!"

Perry looked at his back.

"I maded you a feathery shtegosaurus." Said Po innocently.

"I am _OUTRAGED_." Monogram said.

"But Francis, you sent me a letter telling me you needed my help." Synonym said. "I was at the airport."

She handed him the letter. Monogram's face turned red.

"_AGENT P!_ This is _YOUR_ handwriting."

Everyone looked at Perry.

There was silence, save for the small crash of a tiny flowerpot.

"ALL AGENTS, CLEAN THIS MESS UP AT ONCE. AGENT P, LEAVE. YOU'RE ON SUSPENSION FROM THE AGENCY FOR ONE DAY. GO!"

Perry sighed and got up off of the couch.

"That sure backfired." He muttered to Pinky as he passed him.

** ...**

"Phineas sent me postcards every day he's been at O'Riley's so far." Ferb said.

"That's nice." Perry sighed. He tried to detach a pink feather from his back and winced.

Ferb picked up the first postcard. "Dear Ferb, I'm bored. From Phineas." He picked up the second one. "Dear Ferb, I'm bored. From Phineas. Dear Ferb…"

"I get it." Perry said. "Can you help me cut these feathers out of my fur?"

"…I'm bored. From Phineas. That's all the postcards." Ferb dug in his bedside table drawer and pulled out a pair of scissors.

"Poor Phinny." Perry said.

Ferb started to cut out the feathers. "I mailed him a model airplane kit so he won't go bonkers from not building things."

"Why isn't he building anything?"

"There are things about building I don't know, and things about building Phineas doesn't know." Ferb said. "We can't exactly build things alone. Well, we could, it just wouldn't turn out as good."

Perry nodded. "I see- OW!"

"Hold still." Ferb said.

"Ferb, you got a postcard." Linda said, opening the door. She placed the postcard next to Ferb on the bed.

Ferb looked at it. "Dear Ferb, I built the model airplane. It's raining so I can't fly it yet. I'm bored. From, Phineas."

"Poor kid." Perry sighed.


	6. Chapter 6

Perry scrabbled up the tree trunk and grabbed the first branch. He hoisted himself up and gazed at the huge house.

He couldn't imagine what it would be like to live alone in a house with so many rooms. It looked lonely, especially in the night.

Perry clambered up to the next tree branch. He was finally up next to the balcony.

He jumped onto the balcony and knocked on the sliding door.

He heard the sound of tags jangling and a dog barking.

"INTRUDER! INTRUDER! INTRUDER! INTRUDER!" It barked.

"Shut up, Nelson." Phineas mumbled. He pulled aside the curtain. His face lit up when he saw Perry.

"One second." He said. "Let me just get Nelson out of the room."

He picked up the yapping dachshund and carried him out of the room. Perry heard a door slam.

Phineas reappeared and opened the sliding door. He gave Perry a huge hug.

"I missed you so much."

"I missed you too, Phinny. I come bearing gifts."

Phineas let Perry in and closed the sliding door.

They were in an ornately furnished bedroom with a large double-bed and television. The carpet was very soft, and the door of the bedroom was oak. Another white door next to the bedside table led to the bathroom.

"You can sit wherever." Phineas said. "It just looks pretty, it's not actually expensive."

Perry sat down on the bed and began pulling things out of the plastic bag he was carrying. "A couple books, legit cupcakes, your portable video game thingy, and an extension Ferb made for your television so you don't have to melt your brain watching that reality junk."

"You guys are awesome." Phineas said, grinning. "Where's Ferb?"

"We thought it'd be too risky to sneak an entire human being AND a platypus into the house. But he sends his greetings. Not in the form of a postcard, though."

"Sorry about those." Phineas said sheepishly. "I got really bored."

"Really? Those postcards you wrote made it sound like you were having a blast. Have you been stuck in this room the whole time?"

Phineas shook his head. "No. I go downstairs and stuff. And in the backyard. I tried to dig a hole home."

"How did that work out?"

"Mr. O'Riley hasn't found the hole yet. I covered it up with a dog statue he had in his backyard."

"Smart. Better than grass. That way he doesn't discover it the exciting way."

"I did that once." Phineas said. "Once, when I was little, I dug this huge hole in our backyard because I thought dinosaurs lived in the ground, and then I covered it up with grass because mom always told me to leave things the way I found them. And then Candace went outside the next day and fell in the hole and we had to call the fire department to get her out."

"How do you remember so much?" Perry asked. "All I remember from my babyhood was my mom trying to stop me from walking too far from our plastic cave."

"Because Candace never lets me hear the end of it." Phineas said.

"I'm glad you weren't freaked out when I knocked on your balcony window." Perry said. "I didn't quite think that through."

"Well, I was kind of expecting someone to knock on my balcony window anyways." Phineas said. "I ordered Chinese food and I told them to bring it up here instead of the front door because I didn't want them to wake up Mr. O'Riley."

"You're gonna make the delivery guy climb a tree?"

"Don't worry, I'll give him a good tip."

"Doesn't O'Riley feed you?"

"Yeah, but I'm still hungry."

"Good thing I brought the cupcakes, then."

Phineas's cell phone rang. He picked it up. "Hello? Oh, yeah. You got the right directions. Just climb up the tree in the side yard and jump to the balcony. My balcony's the only one there. Yes, yes I am. Great, thank you. Bye."

Phineas hung up and opened the sliding door. A man handed him a bag from Better Panda Chinese Restaurant.

Phineas dug around in his backpack and found some cash. He handed it to the man.

"Thanks. Bye."

He closed the sliding door and shut the curtains.

"What do you think you'll do now?" Perry asked.

"Eat Chinese and watch fun TV for a change. Can you stay?"  
>"I can. I'm not so sure that I should."<p>

"Nelson can't open doors, so you don't have to worry about him." Phineas said.

"I'm not supposed to be here. I don't want you to get in any kind of trouble because of me..."

"Mr. O'Riley won't find out if you leave before he wakes up. And he's just being stupid about Nelson not liking other animals. Nelson just never SEES any. Please, Perry? I'm so lonely here all by myself. I miss home. I miss Ferb and Candace and mom and dad and you so much. I don't want to be alone again. Please stay for a bit?"

Perry sighed. "All right. I guess I can't get into any more trouble than I'm already in, anyways. Plan Monogram was a flop."

"Plan what?"

Perry explained.

"Oh." Phineas said. "Well, don't give up, Perry. I'm sure you'll figure out a way. There's always tomorrow! Carpe diem!"

"I wish I could be as optimistic as you." Perry said.

"You can be. You just have to look at the bright side." Phineas patted him.

"What bright side? Monogram's STILL leaving, and he's mad at me on top of it."

"I'm sorry, boy." Phineas said.

"Look at me, complaining when you're stuck in this stupid situation." Perry said.

"I'm okay." Phineas shrugged. "I guess. I mean, it could be worse. At least you're here now."

Perry smiled.

"It's boring sitting around in here. Come on downstairs." Phineas said. "I want you to see the library. It's the only interesting thing here."

** ...**

Perry followed Phineas down two flights of stairs and through many hallways.

"Where did O'Riley find the cash for this?" Perry asked. "Lottery?"

"He inherited it, mostly." Phineas said. "He had a lot of lord or knight ancestors or something. He told me once, I don't really remember."

Phineas opened a door. They came into a wide room with shelves covering the walls. Shelves filled the entire room, and every single shelf was packed with books.

Perry found it hard to breathe for a moment. "This… is?"

"The library."

"You're sure he's not part of some underground book-thieving heist or something? Or the owner of a bookstore?"

"The shelves are filling up a lot." Phineas said, pulling a well-loved novel off of one of the shelves. "He had to put the books on sideways to make room."

Perry looked at the books on the shelf to the left of him. "You could get lost in here. Woah, this is a copy of The Desert Novel! That's a pretty rare book. It's still in good condition, just… really old!"

"You can take it if you want." Phineas said. "He has like five hundred others. He won't notice."

"I love this smell, too." Perry said happily, stroking the cover of the old book. "I don't know how to explain it. Old-book smell. Overpowering in here. I love it."

Phineas grinned. "Yeah, it is a good smell. I knew you'd like it in here. Come on, there are two more rooms."

"Two… more?! Like this?"

"Yeah. Well, the third one's kind of empty. He hasn't gotten that one filled yet." Phineas pushed open another door and they stepped into an equally shelf-filled room.

"This one appears to be filled with cheesy romance novels." Perry said, picking up a book with a cover picture of a man and a woman kissing on the beach. "Does he actually read these things?"

Phineas stuck his tongue out. "I hope not. Probably not, anyway. I don't think he's read everything he has. He just collects books, that's all. That's why he has every genre."

"Seems to me he has every book in the world, including the ones that haven't been written yet. Ooh, look at this romance novel. It's called _The New Nanny_." Perry held up a book with a picture of a woman in a bun holding a happy child, while the father grinned at both of them. "Unbeknownst to little Andy Bill, his father had a thing for his…"

"Ugh, just put it back, Perry." Phineas said.

"I feel for ya, little Andy Bill." Perry said, replacing the book on the shelf.

There were a lot of newspaper clippings and magazine photos taped onto the side of the shelves. A scribbled picture of a dog was displayed next to a clock shaped like a vintage car.

"Did you draw that?" Perry asked.

Phineas shrugged. "Oh, yeah. When I was almost two or something. It was actually for mom. He took it."

"Did you draw it when O'Riley was out buying…" Perry held up another book. "_The Lyle and Lydia Affair_?"

"And this completes our tour of the romance section." Phineas said, dragging Perry away from the novels.

"Wait, you haven't seen the cover picture of _Just Friends… Or Are We_!" Perry said. "The guy on the front looks like a stalker!"

Phineas led Perry up a step, and they were in another room. The shelves in this one weren't so tightly packed.

"Revenge of the Icicles, Children of the Legumes, Night of the Evil Potato… I'm guessing this is either his 'Horror' section or his 'Of The' section."

"Yep." Phineas said. "A lot of these books are really creepy. Especially the old ones. He also has this poster behind those two shelves… I don't like to go back there."

"Is that blood on the floor?"

"No, just dried red paint. I spilled some in here a couple days ago. But there are also sci-fi books in here." Phineas said. "I like those ones. And on the couch over there is a robot doll that used to be able to talk but now he kind of goes 'Rrrrr…. Rrrr…. Rrrrr…' if you press the button on his hand."

"The robot on the couch goes…" Perry began.

"I didn't even show you the kids books." Phineas said. He pulled Perry back into the second room. They squeezed through a few shelves of romance novels and came to an area with two comfy-looking chairs and colorful, large books.

"Mountaincorvette the Small Blue Cat, Unconcerned Hector, Gerald and the Green Pen…" Perry read. "Wow. Classics. I remember Monogram reading these to me when I was a baby-"

He suddenly remembered Plan Monogram and fell silent. He wasn't going to get all emotional on Phineas again. Monogram was retiring. He had to accept it and move on. He had to put out positive vibes for Phineas.

Why was it so hard?

He looked back at Phineas, whose expression had suddenly changed from slight interest to anger. Phineas walked up to one of the shelves and pulled down one of the books.

"This is mine." He said, clearly annoyed.

"Are you sure? He didn't just buy-"

"It's _MY_ book." Phineas said, opening the book to the title page and showing it to Perry.

"_CAN YOU FIND THE ZOO ANIMALS?_" It read. "_THIS BOOK BELONGS TO…_"

Underneath, someone had written _FINIAS_ in red crayon.

"I was looking for that stupid book for_ years_ and all along he'd nabbed it for his library!" Phineas snapped.

"Maybe it was a mistake." Perry said.

"And _HERE'S_ Candace's Ducky Momo book!" Phineas raged, grabbing another book from the shelf. He seemed to have forgotten all about Perry. He ran from the room.

Perry followed, not wanting to get lost in the huge house.

Phineas stormed into a dining room. Perry waited at the door.

A man was sitting at the table, reading an old book. He had small glasses, dark hair, and a nose that very closely resembled Phineas's.

"THIS IS _MY BOOK_." Phineas shouted, slamming it down in front of the man.

O'Riley gently set down his novel and straightened up with a sigh. "_Why_ are you still awake?"

"Why did you take it? You KNEW I liked that book! I wasted HOURS of my life looking for that book!"

"I believed you and Candace would want something to read if you came here."

"Why would we _ever_ come here?!"

"I can't talk to you about this now." O'Riley said sharply. "Go back to bed, Phineas. I'm sorry if I upset you."

"No, you're not." Phineas muttered, heading back to Perry. "You're not sorry at all."

Perry followed Phineas upstairs. He wanted to say something.

"You don't have to say anything." Phineas mumbled. "I just want to go home... I just want him to go away... I want to go back home to my family..."

"Ferb's got a backup plan involving a giant bat." Perry said.

Phineas stared wearily at him for a moment. Then he started to laugh.

"You know, if you're not tired yet, I could go down and grab you a nice bedtime story from the-"

"No. No little Andy Bill stories."

"Spoilsport." Perry grinned.


	7. Chapter 7

The sunlight streamed in through the window.

Perry rolled onto his back and tried to get out of the sun's line of fire. He didn't want to get the light directly into his eyes when he opened them.

He heard the sound of typing. He rolled back over and opened his eyes.

Phineas was sitting on the edge of his bed. He was most likely chatting with Ferb via Ferbmail. Perry saw an animation of a unicorn fly away on Phineas's screen.

"I see the word 'cake'." Perry said. "Does this have anything to do with the fact that my birthday's tomorrow?"

"No." Phineas said, moving the screen away from Perry's view. "No it doesn't."

"It totally does." Perry said. "You're getting me a pygmy hippo for my birthday and you don't want me to find out."

"Stop trying to peek." Phineas said, closing his computer. "You'll find out tomorrow."

"On my birthday?"

"Yep."

"Well, if you're planning some surprise thing, I should warn you that I have to go into work tomorrow, so I'll be home late afternoon instead of all day."

Phineas frowned. "Monogram makes you go to work on your birthday?"

"No, but he forgets my birthday every year, so he doesn't mean to."

"Aww." Phineas said sadly. "Well… the surprise will take all day, but… maybe we can do it the day after and just have a birthday celebration tomorrow."

"That sounds fine." Perry said.

"I bet you're excited." Phineas said.

"Not really. Working on my birthday… not looking forward to that."

"You should tell Monogram you want the day off."

"I already took all my vacations and sick days for the month. Reminds me, I have to go in an hour. My suspension's over."

Phineas smiled sadly. "Would you cheer up if I let you read The New Nanny?"

"Oh, immensely. But I don't think we have time to finish it before I have to go."

The door swung open. O'Riley stood in the doorway. "What do you want for…" He stared at Perry. "What is that?"

"_Who_ is that." Phineas corrected. "He's our pet platypus, Perry. At first Ferb and I name-"

"Phineas, I told you Nelson can't be around other animals."  
>"Nelson hasn't even noticed Perry's here." Phineas snapped. "Anyway, he isn't staying here. He likes to walk around. He just came here because he missed-"<p>

O'Riley sighed. "Never mind. What did you want for breakfast?"

"I dunno. I'll get it myself la-"

"Get some clothes on. We're going to the park today." O'Riley closed the door.

"Yay." Phineas said sarcastically. "A whole hour of trying to walk around and do stuff without the guy following me around."

"While you attempt to finish sentences without being interrupted. Sorry, buddy." Perry said. "I wish I could go with you."

** ...**

Phineas poured milk on his cereal and sat down at the huge dining table, avoiding eye contact with O'Riley.

"I found your other books last night." O'Riley said pointedly. "I'll pack them up for you."

Phineas shrugged. "Okay."

He finished his cereal in silence and looked down at the floor for a moment before speaking again. "Mr. O'Riley… um… my platypus's birthday is tomorrow-"

"Happy birthday." O'Riley said.

"Yeah… um… can I go home for it?" Phineas asked. "I mean, we have this party every year for him and he'd probably be sad if I wasn't there. And I want to go-"

"A party for a platypus." O'Riley said flatly.

Phineas shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Um… and on Saturday, we were gonna do this other thing for him." Phineas said. "It's an all-day thing. And… I mean, a month is a long time. Is it okay if I go home Friday night? And then… stay home?"

Nelson ate a piece of cereal that had fallen on the floor.

O'Riley was staring at Phineas.

"I just... I just really miss my family." Phineas bit his lip and tried to keep from crying. "I want to go home. I miss Ferb and Candace and mom and dad-"

"For the love of _Pete_, Phineas, would you just-" O'Riley stood up abruptly, knocking over his coffee mug.

Phineas shrank back.

Nelson happily ran over to lick up the coffee spill.

O'Riley looked down at the mug on the floor. He slowly sat back down again.

"A month is a really long time." Phineas said quietly.

O'Riley took a breath. "Yes. A month is a long time. I understand that you don't love me, Phineas, but you also have to understand why you're here. I wanted to be able to see you again. I'm your father, after all."

"You're not." Phineas said softly. "My father's at home. With my sister and my brother and my mom."

They sat in silence.

"I won't force you to stay." O'Riley finally said. "I see now that I can't fix everything I messed up."

"You did fix it." Phineas said. "By leaving. I'm happy now. We all are."

O'Riley didn't look angry now. Just sad.

"You can have the party on Friday. But you'll go back Saturday." He said.

"Really?"

He nodded.

Phineas jumped up and ran upstairs to tell Ferb.

** ...**

"Phineas is coming home." Ferb said.

"Yeah, in a month." Perry was trying to rub permanent marker off of his fur. "Why on earth did you draw Chinese characters on my hand while I was napping?"

"I was practicing. See, that one's Shen Me."

"What does it mean?"

"What?"

"What does it mean?"

"What?"

"I said what does it MEAN?"

"It means what."

"Oh. Well, it's very hard to get off."

"Phineas is coming home early." Ferb said. "O'Riley's letting him come home for your birthday and then on Saturday forever and ever."

"Really?" Perry said, pausing in his futile attempt to rub the characters off his hand. "That's great! When did he find that out?"

"They negotiated it today." Ferb said. "And I was so excited I came to tell you, but you were asleep. So I just wrote Shen Me on your hand and went back to my room."

"That's great." Perry said happily. "I can't wait to see him back home again."

** ...**

_"Beep. Beep. Beep." Said the baby kitten._

Perry woke up.

"Beep. Beep. Beep."

Perry smacked the alarm clock with his hand, and it stopped beeping. He yawned and sat up.

"Where are you going?" Ferb mumbled sleepily. He was lying on the bed, covered in tape.

"To work."

"But it's your birthday. I stayed up all night preparing."

Perry looked up. Balloons were taped all across the ceiling.

"Aww, thanks Ferb. I'll see you around two." Perry stood up and walked out of the room.

** ...**

The agency was completely dark and silent.

Perry wondered what was going on. Did the power go out?

If the power had gone out, the place wouldn't be deserted.

He nearly tripped over an overturned chair in the hallway. Perry began to worry. Had the agency been attacked? Was everyone gone?

He smiled as he thought of Synonym.

_"Oh, what a special event! We're all being kidnapped by some very special criminals! How special!"_

He heard someone cough and halted at the entrance of the main room, listening.

The lights blinked on.

"SURPRISE!" Everyone shouted.

Balloons came falling down from the ceiling.

Perry's heart was trying to escape from his chest. He looked around the room in confusion.

"Happy birthday, Agent P!" Monogram said, holding up a large teal cake with a bunch of number-shaped candles in the middle.

"He couldn't remember how old you were, so he just bought all the age candles and stuck them on the cake!" Billy the beaver said.

"It's your special day!" Synonym said happily.

"Were you surprised?" Peter asked.

"Yeah… kinda." Perry said, still trying to get his wind back. "Wow. Um… you guys actually remembered. Thanks."

Peter handed him a huge balloon and took him by the hand, leading him over to a long table. "Come on, Perry. Open your presents."

"Peter wanted us to all pitch in and buy you a big bamboo plant." Darren said. "But we thought better."

"I don't need anything." Perry said. "Really."

"Oh, come on." Darren said. "It's your birthday. Besides, we all went and got you this stuff, so you may as well open them!"

"Open mine first." Monogram said, handing Perry a large, flat package.

Perry opened it up. It was a collage of pictures of Monogram.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Monogram said fondly. "It'll remind you of me!"

"Won't remind me of Pinhead Pierre, that's for sure." Perry said.

"Here's mine, Agent P." Carl said. "I made it myself."

Perry opened the gift to reveal a pair of mittens that were much too big for him.

"I didn't make them too big, did I?" Carl asked nervously.

"Not at all, Carl!" Monogram said, picking up a mitten and placing it on Perry's head. "What a lovely hat!"

"They're mittens." Carl said dejectedly.

"Oh." Monogram said, clearing his throat. "Um… who's next?"

Baby Ned waddled up to Perry on his hind fins and placed a large box on top of the gift table.

Perry pulled the card off of the gift and opened it up. "Dear Perry, I hope your butt stays warm. From, Ned." He frowned. "Er… I'm a little nervous about opening this one."

"It could just be a pair of pants." Pinky said.

Perry opened the gift. "Oh, very cool! It's an inflatable chair with fake fur! That's really nice of you, Ned. Thanks!"

Baby Ned gave him a hug and waddled off. The agents all backed away to avoid being whacked by the narwhal's horn.

** ...**

"I didn't know this many people liked me." Perry said, poking at his cake.

The new recruits were playing tag with Kyle, who wasn't actually aware he was playing. Peter was playing a game with the new recruits who weren't playing tag. It was called "Who Can Feed Peter The Most Bamboo". Devon was pouring fruit punch on Erica the ermine's head.

"They all love you." Pinky said. "You're a pretty loveable guy."

"I'd like to think so." Perry said.

"Excuse me, everyone." Synonym said, tapping her glass with a spoon. "Major Monogram would like to give a very special speech."  
>Monogram cleared his throat and beamed. "Time flies so fast. It seems like just yesterday I found this little baby platypus wandering around the street. Look how fast he's grown. Look what he's grown into."<p>

"A big baby platypus wandering around the streets." Perry muttered, taking a bite of cake.

"Agent P is one of my favorites." Monogram said. "And I'm so glad he's here with us. Life just wouldn't be the same without you, Agent P."

Perry smiled.

"That's all I wanted to say." Monogram said. "Agents who want to watch baby videos of Agent P, please come sit in front of the projector."

Perry sighed. "And I actually thought I'd make it through an agency party without getting embarrassed for once."


	8. Chapter 8

Perry came home, completely exhausted after the party Monogram had thrown him. He wanted nothing more than to just lie down and take a…

"_SURPRISE!_" Ferb shouted, jumping out of the bedroom closet.

"GAAH!" Perry jumped back. "Don't _DO_ that!"

"You're an entire year older." Ferb said, handing him a balloon. "Happy birthday."

"You'd better not do that next year when I'm too old to withstand heart attacks." Perry warned.

"Phineas and I are treating you to dinner at Paul Bunyan's Pancake House." Ferb said. "We talked about it and arranged it this morning."

"Sounds good." Perry said. He smiled as he looked around the boys' bedroom. Ferb had decorated it even more in his absence. Teal streamers hung on the walls, and photos of Phineas, Ferb and Perry had been taped onto tons of wrapped presents.

"You've got two surprises this year." Ferb said. "I don't know if we already told you."

"Right. When are we heading to Paul Bunyan's?"

"Mum made you a cake." Ferb left the room.

"I guess after cake." Perry said to himself. He grinned and followed after Ferb.

** ...**

"You have everything?"

"Yeah." Phineas headed toward the restaurant.

"Phineas."

Phineas turned around.

O'Riley held up a blue hoodie.

"Oh. Right." Phineas grabbed the hoodie and slipped it on over his head. "I always forget this sweater places. Once Ferb and I were on this ride, and I was wearing the sweater, and-"

"Do you need me to walk you in?"

"Danville's a pretty safe neighborhood." Phineas said. "Unless you count this evil scientist who lives here, but he and I are friends, so it's all good."

O'Riley nodded.

"Thanks." Phineas said. It had just burst out of nowhere. He didn't even feel like he needed to say it.

O'Riley's disdainful expression didn't change. "You're welcome."

Feeling furious with himself, Phineas turned and ran into the restaurant.

As soon as the door slammed shut behind him, he felt wonderful. He could breathe again. He straightened up and skipped over to one of the tables.

"Do they serve anything besides pancakes here?" Perry asked. "I mean, I get that it's a pancake house, but..."

Ferb turned around right as Phineas got to their table. He grinned.

"Ferb!" Phineas wrapped his arms around his brother. "Ferb, I missed you!"

Ferb hugged him back.

Phineas felt tears forming in his eyes. He wiped them away with his hand.

"It's all right, brother." Ferb said.

** ...**

"I had no idea people could invent this many recipes involving pancakes." Perry said. "Pancake pasta, pancake shake, pancake corn-on-the-cob…"

"And don't forget the Paul Bunyan's special, the pancake-flavored pancakes with real crumbled pancakes inside." Phineas said.

"ATTENTION DINERS!" A man in a woodcutter's costume said. "THE PAUL-TASTIC RAFFLE WILL BEGIN SOON!"

"Paul-tastic." Perry said.

"Would you like a Chocolate Chip Pancake Balloon?" A woman asked, coming over to them. She was holding a bunch of balloons, each with a real pancake and chocolate chips in it. "Only three dollars."

"Sure." Perry said. "Why not." He paid and handed the balloon to Phineas, who shook it. The chocolate chips made a loud shaking noise. Phineas began to laugh.

"How pointless is this thing?" He asked.

"I felt bad for the lady." Perry admitted. "I felt like she wasn't gonna sell any of those."

"The raffle's starting!" Phineas said.

"Cool. Let's watch other random people win things." Perry said.

"We might win, too. I got us three raffle tickets earlier." Ferb said.

"AND NOW, THE ONE-MILLION DOLLAR PRIZE… GOES TO…"

A lady ran up when her number was called.

The next few prizes were DVDs, stuffed animals, books and CDs.

"AND FINALLY, THE CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKE BALLOON." The announcer said.

Perry sighed. "Of course. They're raffling it off. After we just bought one. And we're so gonna…"

"8790903, COME AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE!"

Perry groaned and stood up. Phineas and Ferb were doubled over with laughter.

**...**

"Aside from the stupid balloons, this has been a pretty good birthday." Perry said, finishing off the rest of his banana pancakes.

"It gets better." Ferb said. "We still have that surprise for you tomorrow."

"A really awesome, big one." Phineas said. "It was gonna be an invention, but since I was gone, we didn't really have time to make anything. But you'll still love it."

"It's a monkey!" Perry joked.

"EVERYONE!" The Paul Bunyan employee in the woodcutter's outfit suddenly shouted. "TODAY'S A VERY SPECIAL DAY!"

"Is his last name Synonym?" Perry whispered to Ferb. "I think I know his wife."

"TODAY IS A BIRTHDAY!" The employee said.

"Oh no." Perry said. "You told them? Oh no…"

"AND SO IT'S TIME TO SING THE VERY SPECIAL PAUL BUNYAN'S BIRTHDAY PALOOZA SONG!" The man said.

He began to clap his hands. Everyone in the restaurant clapped their hands as well. A spotlight shone down on Perry's table.

"HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM PAUL OF US TO YOU, HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, EAT LOTS OF PANCAKES TOO! HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAUL HAS AN OX THAT'S BLUE, AND HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FROM PAUL OF US TO YOUUUU!"

The man set down a plate with pancakes on the table, dripping with chocolate sauce. A candle was in the middle.

"Go on, Perry. Make a wish." Phineas said.

"Besides wishing that they'll never sing me that song again?"

"Besides that." Phineas said.

Perry smiled at him and blew out the candle. Everyone cheered.

"I'm glad you two are here." Perry said.

"We're happy to be here." Phineas said.

**...**

Perry and Ferb walked home alone. Ferb was holding one of the pancake balloons. He bopped it occasionally, and the chocolate chips made a loud noise.

"I hated walking Phineas back out." Perry said. "I can't believe Martin didn't just let him come home today. I mean, it's really nice of him to let him go back tomorrow, but... still. Phineas should get to choose."

"He's not even supposed to have him for any time at all." Ferb said.

"Right." Perry said. "He's not a part of his family. He's not a part of his life at all anymore. He shouldn't force him to randomly be away from his family."

"Well, yes. That, and... anger issues."

"…I had no idea."

"Phineas never talks about any of it. I found out through Candace's old diary after she threw it out." Ferb said. "Also, seven-year-old Candace really liked this boy named James. I wonder how Jeremy would feel about that.

"…Wow… I… didn't know… poor kid…"

"Cheer up." Ferb said, whacking him with the pancake balloon. "I didn't mean to make you sad on your birthday. My dear brother will be back with us forever and ever tomorrow. And," He added. "You managed to get TWO Chocolate Chip Pancake Balloons. No one else has two."

"No one else is dumb enough to acquire two." Perry said, but he laughed.

**...**

_Perry watched the Carlos the Caring Clown dolls happily._

_They were blasting into the air and exploding into many pretty colors._

_It was the best fireworks show he had ever seen…_

"Good morning!" Ferb said.

"Morning… why is it here already?" Perry moaned.

"Because it is."

"Too tired to get up."

Ferb picked him up. "Come on. We have to go."

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see."

"Do I have to bring anything? What am I supposed to wear?"  
>"You're a platypus. You don't have to wear anything."<p>

"What if it's a black tie affair?"

"It's not." Ferb walked downstairs, carrying Perry under his arm. "I'm sleeping over at Baljeet's." He called to Linda as he passed her in the kitchen.

"All right, honey." Linda said. "Is Phineas going with you, or am I still picking him up?"

"He's coming. We'll be home tomorrow."

"All right, then. You two have a good time." Linda said.

"Your mom's so chill. Is Baljeet's sleepover a black tie affair?" Perry said.

"We're not going there." Ferb said.

Ferb opened the front door and they went outside. A giant yellow car was parked next to the mailbox.

"Hey, it's that all-terrain vehicle you guys built. Remote-controlled, right?"

"Yep. You don't have to worry about driving." Ferb opened up the door and helped Perry in. He hopped into the driver's seat and closed the door. "Now, hie we to rescue Phineas."


	9. Chapter 9

Ferb parked the car behind the huge house. He walked around to the front and rang the doorbell.

Perry got down on all fours and waited next to him.

Phineas opened the door, dragging a suitcase with him. Martin O'Riley was holding Phineas's jacket and extra pair of sneakers.

"You're sure you have everything?" He asked.

"Yeah-huh." Phineas said.

Ferb looked at Phineas. Perry could tell an intricate non-verbal message was being passed between them.

"Sure thing, Ferb." Phineas said.

"That's all, then." O'Riley said. Perry had a feeling he wasn't just talking about Phineas's luggage.

"Yeah. Pretty much." Phineas said.

He turned and pulled his huge suitcase clumsily down the walkway. Ferb took Phineas's jacket and shoes from O'Riley and followed him.

"Goodbye." Ferb said politely.

O'Riley closed the door, and Perry trotted after his owners.

** ...**

"This is the best place." Phineas said. They sat down at a booth. "It's an old 50's style diner. And you get to watch old TV at your table!"

There was a television set above their table. An old sitcom was playing.

"It's funny how many people associated my birthday with food this year. This is the second birthday meal you two have taken me to. 'Happy birthday. Now go stuff yourself.'"

"I'm gonna get three chocolate shakes and mac and cheese." Ferb said.

"Me too." Phineas said. "But just one chocolate shake." He looked sadly up at the television, where another clip from an old show was playing. "Too bad there's no sound."

"No prob." Perry said. "We just make up our own dialogue."

MOTHER KNOWS BEST appeared on the screen. A woman was setting the table. A child walked in.

"Hi son, I know best." Perry said in a high-pitched voice as the woman opened her mouth.

"That's a girl." Ferb said.

"Your pigtails look wonderful today, son. …Thanks, mom! You know best! …Why, yes I do. …Hey, daddy, mother knows best. …Why yes she does, son. Your pigtails are lovely today. …Thanks, father, but mother knows best. …That's right, honey. I do."

Phineas started to laugh.

The show changed. This time it was THE REAL BOYS OF NANTUCKET.

Five boys were in the dark. They were opening a cupboard.

"Quick!" Perry said. "Take all the food before mom wakes up! Hide, hide!"

The mother came out and turned on the lights. All five boys froze.

"Now, sons." Perry said in a slightly higher voice. "Are you taking food out of the fridge today?"

The camera switched to two of the sons. Perry realized one of them was actually the grandfather.

"It's not our fault, mom!" He said when the youngest son began to talk. "Grandpa pretended to be my brother!"

Phineas laughed harder.

"Now, dad, that wasn't a very nice thing to do." Perry said for the mom. He switched back to the little boy. "Yeah, he fooled us, mom!" The boy held his arms out and puffed up his cheeks. "He fooled us THIS much!"

Ferb started laughing, too.

"Wow, that's a lot of fooling." Perry said as the camera switched back to the grandfather.

** ...**

As time went on while they waited for their food, Perry was starting to run out of ideas for television dialogue.

The current show was about a teenage boy and girl in a restaurant.

"Boy, I sure do love you, Deborah. I love you too, Devon."

The girl ate a sandwich.

"Deborah, did you just eat my sandwich? …Oh, sorry Devon. I like sandwiches, and yours just seemed so delicious. …But I like sandwiches too, Deborah. …Oh. Well, I like sandwiches. …I sure do love you, Deborah. Do you like sandwiches?"

"Clearly, you have never been on a date." Ferb broke in.

Perry and Phineas burst into laughter.

"Oh look, it's another episode of THE REAL BOYS OF NANTUCKET." Ferb said.

The scene opened on two of the brothers eating corn next to their grandfather and mother.

"Times were tough ever since grandpa pretended to be our brother." Perry narrated.

Phineas was in hysterics.

"He's crazy and he hasn't even had the chocolate shake yet." Ferb said.

** ...**

"Hi!" Phineas said to a random man walking by. He hopped to catch up with Perry and Ferb.

"I love shopping around Downtown Danville with you guys." Perry said. "Thank you two so much. This was a great idea."

"Well, we knew you loved Downtown Danville and buying lots of useless stuff, so we figured it would work out in your favor." Ferb said.

"Yeah. Where else would I have found olive food coloring? Or this…" Perry held up some kind of wrench with fake colorful feathers on it. "I'm not sure what it is. But I think it'll come in handy… at some point."

Phineas bounced around, swinging his cotton candy bag in his hand. "Times were tough ever since grandpa pretended to be our brother!"

Perry yanked the bag away from Phineas. Phineas giggled and continued to hop. "Stegosaurus! I am a stegosaurus and my name is Gertie!"

"But he was enjoying it so." Ferb said.

"Well, he can enjoy it again tomorrow." Perry said. "I honestly can't remember an outing we all had together that didn't end up with you two on a sugar rush."

"I'm not sugar rushed." Ferb said. "I probably won't even crash later."

** ...**

Ferb was crashed in the backseat.

Perry had a feeling Phineas was about to fall asleep, so he took the remote and began to drive the car.

Phineas started to drift off.

"I shouldn't feel bad, right? Because I don't." He said softly.

"Is this you talking, or the cotton candy crash?" Perry asked.

"I mean about how I didn't say goodbye to Mr. O'Riley."

"I think that all depends on your history. I can't say. But you certainly shouldn't feel guilty. He wasn't being very considerate of you and your feelings, from what I saw."

"He kept me up all night once… when I was little." Phineas said sleepily. "He was yelling at me to find Candace's book because he wanted to read it. I stood there and cried that I was tired while he threw her stuff all around the room. Her piggybank almost hit me in the head, but I ducked. It broke on the floor." His eyes were slowly filling with tears. "Then he told me if I hadn't gotten out of the way, it wouldn't have broken. It was her favorite piggybank." He wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"No… no, Phin. That wasn't your fault." Perry said.

"Mom called the police the next night after he threw me at her and I never saw him again." Phineas said, now sounding angry. "But I didn't care. I hated him. And all while I was with him the last few days he kept telling me he's different now, and he's sorry, but he should have thought about that before. And I don't care. He's not my dad. A dad's someone who cares about you and loves you. Dad's my dad."

Perry nodded. "Of course he is. And in a way, it's good that it all that rough stuff happened. Now you have Ferb and your dad. You wouldn't have gotten them otherwise."

Phineas smiled a little. "Yeah. I'd never want it any other way. I just want Martin to stay away. He's not supposed to come back."

Perry patted him.

Phineas began to drift off.

"Don't tell Ferb, though." He murmured. "I don't want him to feel sad for me. And he doesn't need to know, anyway. O'Riley's not part of our lives. We have our own life together with mom and dad and Candace and you. And that's all that matters."

"I won't." Perry said.

"Thanks."


	10. Chapter 10

"ALL AT ONCE ADRIAN, ISN'T DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU… HE DON'T SING SOPRANOOO, HE DOESN'T EAT FISHHHH…"

"Every single time I see this movie, I don't get it." Perry said. "The girl sings about him, he sings about himself…"  
>"It's a very emotional moment." Pinky said.<p>

"Why? She hated her stupid old boyfriend, he got eaten by a tree, everyone's happy."

"But she feels guilty about it, Perry. She thinks she had something to do with it."

"She's not the one who fed him to the tree. That guy is. What's his name again…"

"All at once Adrian…" The man on the television sang.

"Oh. Right. Adrian."

"I'm trying to explain the movie to you, Perry." Pinky said.

"And I'm trying to explain to you that ADRIAN is the one who should be feeling guilty. Not that girl."

Monogram walked into the room, and Perry fell silent. He wished Adrian would stop singing. The emotional song was really annoying at this emotional moment.

Monogram was holding a suitcase. He looked sad.

Perry gazed back at him.

"MISUNDERSTANDING, ADRIAN'S YOUR BEST PAALLLLLLL!" The TV sang.

"Agent P, I wanted you to be the first to know." Monogram said. He set his suitcase down on the floor. "Ever since your birthday party… seeing all the agents in one room… seeing how big you've grown since I first found you… I can't possibly leave now. I love the agency."

He straightened up. "And I love being a Major. And working with you, Agent P. And why change things? There's an old saying… if it's not broken, don't smash it… or something like that."

Perry smiled. He ran up to Monogram and hugged him.

"And also… how could I leave you with that revolting woman?" Monogram said. He began mocking Synonym in a high-pitched voice. "'What a special opportunity to look after so many special animals'. Man, I had to sit through HOURS of that. Anyway, I'm going to go tell the others."

"Yes!" Perry said, feeling whole again. He rushed back to the couch and sat down happily. "Man, is that a relief. I thought we were gonna have to go to Plan Monogram B."

"Plan Monogram B?" Pinky asked.

"The plan where we use Tuff Gum to stick Monogram to his desk."

"AGENT P!" Monogram shouted from the other room.

"I told Peter not to go through with it unless I gave him the signal." Perry grumbled.

**...**

Having to answer the letters for Monogram's advice column in the Daily Danville was boring, but it was better than most punishments.

Perry honestly didn't care if Monogram made him clean toilets for sticking him to his desk. He was just happy to know that things wouldn't change.

He felt sorry for the children at Danville Daycare, though. They had a new, special caretaker looking after them.

Perry opened the first letter.

_**Dear Francis**__,_

_I don't know what to get my little angel for his birthday. He's about four. Any suggestions?_

_Clueless in the City_

Perry frowned. Seriously? People could ask for any information they wanted, and they used the advice column for birthday presents?

Perry wrote his response at the bottom of the letter.

_**Dear Clueless**__,_

_Anything other than a Carlos the caring clown doll. Trust me. Those things are evil. And think about changing your name. You know how many things rhyme with City? Not to mention how much fun people can poke at you with 'clueless'. It also rhymes with Shoeless. Shoeless Kitty. You do NOT need to deal with that._

_Really, why do people use these fake names to ask for advice? It's not like looking for a birthday present is the most embarrassing thing in the universe._

_Sincerely, Meapless in Seattle._

Perry sealed his reply and moved on to the next letter.

_**Dear Francis**__,_

_What should I wear on my date?_

_**Dear person going on the date**__:_

_Plaid and polka dots go together really nicely. What are you asking me for? I have no idea what's in your closet or what your price range is. Ask your friend or something._

Perry drew a picture of a girl wearing a plaid-polka-dot dress at the bottom and sealed that letter as well.

There were only two more letters. He was almost home free.

_**Dear Francis**__,_

_I was talking to my friend the other day and then I made him mad. So here's what I need advice on: Why do people get mad?_

_A Good Friend_

_**Dear That Person Who Thinks He's A Good Friend**__,_

_People get mad because people waste their time sending in stupid questions and all they want to do is finish so they can eat breakfast. Oh, and also, word of advice: people get mad if you put Tuff Gum on their desk._

Perry opened up the last letter. He was surprised to find that it was a little more serious than the others.

_**Dear Francis**__,_

_I used to be a horrible person, and I hurt a lot of people. I try to be nicer now. But I can't do anything to fix my mistakes or my relationships. I tried to, but you'd be surprised to find how ungrateful people can be._

_Is it so wrong to try to get back into the life I once had, as a nicer person?_

Perry hesitated a moment.

Then he picked up his pen.

_**Dear Martin O'Riley**__,_

_They're happy now. You're happier now. I could tell when I saw you. You're a loner, and you don't like being around people. You just feel obligated to. And they have no desire to see you again. Everyone's happy the way things are right now._

_In short…_

_If it's not broken, don't fix it._

Perry hesitated. That really didn't seem like the best way to end the letter. He picked up his pen again.

_If it's not broken, don't fix it. You jerk._

That was better.

Perry sealed the letter and tossed it into the basket with the others. He headed to the cafeteria, where Monogram was making his famous pancakes to celebrate his return.


End file.
